goofy ranty post from a lonely little girl.
just let me vent. that’s what the internet is for.
It’s irrational. I know it’s irrational; I don’t need you to tell me that. I know it. but life wasn’t built on irrationality, now, was it. life was built on making sense and having order and being a mess of crazy beautiful and right now I just feel llike a mess and that’s not how I should be feeling at all.
I know my friends don’t hate me. I know my classmates like me fine. I tell myself I know that. why can’t I believe it? Maybe it’s the way that i don’t get invited to parties (is it because I’m not a partier? I’m no fun at parties? if someone who doesn’t drink or do drugs makes you feel uncomfortable about your own choices shouldn’t you take a look at yourself instead of isolating that person?)
and this is all typical angsty social-anxiety stuff but GOD i just WISH sometimes you saw me standing there and didn’t just go trying to shut me out again. I don’t liek being shut out. I need to be like. I’m an anti-social social person, just because I’m weird and have too loud of a laugh and say too many stupid things doesn’t make it right for all of you to ignore me. to blatantly ignore me.
and for what? what crime did I do that deserves me feeling cut out like this?
but of course if I’m just being irrational that means that you are showing me you like me just fine, and I’m just not seeing it. Or maybe I’m one of those super high maitenance people who needs to constantly be showered in attention
but god
today I kept talking to the teacher.
the teacher.
you know how much of a bratty know it all that made me feel when I couldn’t shut up?
do you know how irrationally ashamed I am of getting on the honour roll?
do you know how much I wish I put more of myself into that personal project we did, so that maybe you all would see my scars and maybe understand me a little bit better
because there’s no way someone this well-adjusted should be this lonely.
ugh.
aaaaand now I’m crying again like I always do.
man I hate crying.
i wish this writing was more therapeutic.
but I guess writing is only therapeutic when you know someone is going to read it and care about it
maybe I should start writing fan fiction
hah.
